I spent my evenings this past week doing things a little differently. Most of them were spent either grading papers, or touching up resumes. Nothing has changed at work, I'm still looking at heading out for good in the first days of July. That involves some problems, and for the first time in a long time it involves confronting one of them.
If you've read any of this blog, you know why I came here, you know what I've done and know what has happened. What you didn't know was that I've been neglecting some of my own issues at home in an attempt to make things easier...or rather keep everything friendly...or better yet and most truthfully, put off dealing with the things I needed to deal with. Now, those of you young people, or non deep thinkers or just plain idiots think that what I mean is that I didn't want to deal with the divorce. That maybe I'm still in Love with her. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was there, in the Lawyers office after an 8 hour drive, Hot, tired and not really in a great mood. I disagreed, told her she was making a mistake and signed the papers anyway. Then I went out for dinner with her and her boyfriend (shut up...I KNOW...that was stupid). Then I got pissed off and left...briefly considered shooting them (but only in the butt with an air rifle (repetitively) from a raised and concealed position)...The next morning, after a sleepless night in a roach motel, I met her for a good, American, very non-Saudi breakfast and then headed for New Orleans. There I spent a drunken week with a great friend going between Bourbon street, The Garden District and a tattoo parlor...after all that...TRUST ME folks, I dealt with the damn divorce, and my feelings for her are about as romantic as getting kicked in the face repetitively.
That brings me to my real point. I dealt with the divorce, I never dealt with the ramifications of it. Do you have any idea what it's like to sort out 9 years of memories? The human mind is phenomenal for its ability to look back on a situation and show you only the good. What's been hanging around my head, that I didn't deal with until today was that it was over. Not the romance mind you, but all the other stuff. All the good memories, all the firsts, the backyard BBQ's, all the relatives, the Christmas mornings, the Sleepwear that was literally the farthest thing from sexy but the closest thing to adorably cute. The first night we brought the puppy home or the time when my 100 lbs Black lab was so small that she walked from my shoulder to my other shoulder by climbing over my head. The football games, the baseball games, the hockey games and the long bar nights after them. We used to spend weekends doing DIY projects, having champagne brunches, driving random places and exploring.
I confronted that problem tonight. I did something I've been told to do by every single family member and friend for the past 8-10 months. I acted in my own best interest.
If you've read any of this blog, you know why I came here, you know what I've done and know what has happened. What you didn't know was that I've been neglecting some of my own issues at home in an attempt to make things easier...or rather keep everything friendly...or better yet and most truthfully, put off dealing with the things I needed to deal with. Now, those of you young people, or non deep thinkers or just plain idiots think that what I mean is that I didn't want to deal with the divorce. That maybe I'm still in Love with her. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was there, in the Lawyers office after an 8 hour drive, Hot, tired and not really in a great mood. I disagreed, told her she was making a mistake and signed the papers anyway. Then I went out for dinner with her and her boyfriend (shut up...I KNOW...that was stupid). Then I got pissed off and left...briefly considered shooting them (but only in the butt with an air rifle (repetitively) from a raised and concealed position)...The next morning, after a sleepless night in a roach motel, I met her for a good, American, very non-Saudi breakfast and then headed for New Orleans. There I spent a drunken week with a great friend going between Bourbon street, The Garden District and a tattoo parlor...after all that...TRUST ME folks, I dealt with the damn divorce, and my feelings for her are about as romantic as getting kicked in the face repetitively.
That brings me to my real point. I dealt with the divorce, I never dealt with the ramifications of it. Do you have any idea what it's like to sort out 9 years of memories? The human mind is phenomenal for its ability to look back on a situation and show you only the good. What's been hanging around my head, that I didn't deal with until today was that it was over. Not the romance mind you, but all the other stuff. All the good memories, all the firsts, the backyard BBQ's, all the relatives, the Christmas mornings, the Sleepwear that was literally the farthest thing from sexy but the closest thing to adorably cute. The first night we brought the puppy home or the time when my 100 lbs Black lab was so small that she walked from my shoulder to my other shoulder by climbing over my head. The football games, the baseball games, the hockey games and the long bar nights after them. We used to spend weekends doing DIY projects, having champagne brunches, driving random places and exploring.
When you get divorced, you lose all of that...I forgot to deal with it.
Today, I dealt with it. I didn't really want to, but I had to. For reasons I won't explain here, I was at a crossroads...either fail, and I DO mean FAIL, by my own hand, or face reality and make a smart decision. With the help of some very special people, I chose the latter. I expected to feel lighter, having made the right decision, having decided not to become a Martyr, I expected relief. I didn't get it, I only felt sadness. I miss my dogs, I miss my backyard and my decks (the crappy one I built first and the good one I built second). I miss our friends and family, I miss hanging Christmas lights.
I miss some things that are in the past, and that's OK, because today for the first time, I realized and recognized that I miss the past and that no matter what I do, it will always-already-be-over. That realization opens up a door, it opens up a door to a future. Recognizing my old life is over, gives me a chance at a new life, not just a new romance, but a new life. A new life just as full of action and excitement, moments and eventually memories. With any luck, it'll be here in the Kingdom for another couple years (In'shAllah). I'm not done here.
Wherever my future takes place though, I'm finally free to look forward and not back...That's a good thing.
* I also started my diving re-cert, if I'm leaving I want to Dive the Red Sea before I go...If not, well I love to dive and somehow haven't been in the water for 10 years.
** A note about divorce if you have to get one, men or women, take my advice: Surround yourself with your family and good friends, hire a lawyer because you're far too vulnerable to make good decisions for yourself, and hash it all out at once. It's going to damn near kill you, but its a good thing.
Good to read, that you are moving forward. Read an interesting quote in an article about Ewald-Heinrich von Kleist today. He was one of the guys who tried to kill Hitler in the end but failed. When he was asked to be a suicide killer he hoped that his father would object and save him, but he only said: "A man who doesn't take such a chance will never be happy again in his life."
ReplyDeleteGuess that's true for a lot of things in our past. Everyone made decisions which later might be painful. But in the end you mostly never regret. You look forward instead and take the past as a part of yourself.
(btw. you can find the article here: http://www.economist.com/news/obituary/21573947-ewald-heinrich-von-kleist-plotter-against-hitler-and-founder-munich-conferences-died)